Chats We Never Had

These chats never happened. Not exactly like this, anyway.
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Bob, Hero of the Alliance - hay guise? y r we doing this?

Bouncy Tokennelf, Hero of the Alliance - Yeah! I’ve got orc guts in my hair and I don’t even understand what’s going on here!

Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps, Hero of Ironforge - Ah’m thinkin’ mayhap we’s s’posed ta be readin’ th’ book. ‘at’s ‘ow Blizz rigs up these here thingamabobbers. Ye only see a wee bit o’ th’ action in th’ game, but th’ REAL story be inna book. Unless, o’ course, th’ book be scribbled by Knaak. Then ye jus’ be readin’ ‘bout a bunch o’ bloody dragons wot ne’er had a good lore reason fer showin’ up.

Grob, Warrior of the Horde - HEY! HEY, YOU OVER THERE! ALLIANCE SCUM! ANY IDEA WHY WE’RE DOING THIS?

Manasucker Tokenbelf, Warrior of the Horde - I TOLD HIM YOU’RE PROBABLY AS LOST AS WE ARE, BUT MY UNFORTUNATE COMPANION IS TOO DIMWITTED TO LISTEN! SORRY!

Kekburgerz, Warrior of the Horde - Let’s go over there and talk to them. I don’t want to kill these gryphons, anyway. This feels wrong.

Jaina Proudmoore - Hey! What are you folks doing? Get back to the scenario! You can’t talk to each other!

Garrosh Hellscream - I’m not blowing this place up so the elves can stand around and braid each other’s hair! Get back to work!

Kekburgerz - Man, whatever! We don’t know why you’re attacking. That’s part of the problem here! None of this makes sense!

Garrosh Hellscream - Did you read the book?

Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps - See, lads? Ah tol’ ye we wos s’posed ta read th’ book!

Manasucker Tokenbelf - But what about all the leader short stories in Cata? Blizzard’s been giving us more lore without expecting us to buy books.

Grob - That’s a good point. But there was a lot of stuff in the worgen comic that I had NO idea about. I didn’t get any of that in the game. Not from my worgen, or my Forsaken, or my druid, or any of my five death knights.

Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps - An’ et’s nae like we learnt ennythin’ we didnae already know ‘bout Empress Princess Darkironforge. Et’s nae a bloody secret she’s… well, Ah’m nae goin’ ta be usin’ such language in front o’ th’ elfs.

Garrosh Hellscream - DID YOU READ THE BOOK?

Grob, Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps, Kekburgerz - YES!

Bob, Bouncy Tokennelf, Manasucker Tokenbelf - NO!

Jaina Proudmoore - -heavy sigh- All I ever wanted was to study.

Garrosh Hellscream - Okay, here’s the deal… YOU HAVE TO READ THE BOOK!

Bob - i pay my $15 a month same as enny1. the story should make since.

Bouncy Tokennelf - Bob does have something of a point. He’s not very eloquent in expressing himself, but it’s not unreasonable to ask that the story be part of an ever-changing, immersive world. Not just flimsy excuses to collect loot.

Kekburgerz - It makes sense. It just doesn’t always make sense when you first see it. I mean, you kind of have to play from both sides and then maybe wait a few patches until the rest of it gets added in.

Garrosh Hellscream - Look, the stuff in the book already happened. You’re not really seeing that here. You’re kind of coming in toward the middle-end. Yes. “Middle-end” is a term. YOUR WARCHIEF SAYS SO!

Bob - But… WHY???

Jaina Proudmoore - If we tell you, will you just get back to the scenario? Sheesh! You’re here to save me from myself! That’s right! All those uppity paladins and priests were right! The night elves were right! Arcane magic corrupts the living daylights out of anyone who uses it, and I am at my breaking point! I confess! I’ll also confess to kidnapping Calia Menethil, turning those kids in Goldshire into creepy little puppets, giving Brann Bronzebeard bad directions, and anything else! JUST GET BACK TO THE SCENARIO!

Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps - … Ah’m nae sure et’s worth s’much upset, lass. Mayhap ye need ta ‘ave yerself a wee lie-down, aye?

Grob - C’mon, man… she’s having a bad day! But, okay. That’s why you guys are here. What are we doing here? It sounds like this is really Alliance business now. We did our part…um… in the book.

Garrosh Hellscream - MORE ACHIEVEMENTS FOR THE HORDE! DON’T LET THE ALLIANCE SCUM HAVE THEM ALL!

Manasucker Tokenbelf - Wait, wait… why are we here AT ALL? I mean, seriously? Mana bombs? Saw those in Outland. Hell, I’m a blood elf and an engineer. I should be able to see those anytime I want to. But that’s just not your style, Garrosh. What gives?

Garrosh Hellscream - I hate the Alliance scum. I’ll do anything to purge them from this world. Might makes right, Horde family values, blah, blah… if we can take it, we own it. LOK’TAR OGAR!

Kekburgerz - But what about what Saurfang told you?

Garrosh Hellscream - “Don’t forget to pick up bacon on the way back to base”?

Kekburgerz - Um… no. About honor.

Garrosh Hellscream - There is none in being a whiner loser? Oh! Yeah, yeah… “never forsake it”.

Kekburgerz - So what happened? I thought you learned something from how things went down with Cairne, and then it really looked like you were starting to open your eyes after that business in Stonetalon, and… well, what HAPPENED?

Garrosh Hellscream - I’m not really comfortable talking about this, so…

Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps - If’n this be somethin’ best kept en conversations hap’nin’ behind closed dooors, ye should pro’bly jus’ go on ahead an’ tell us. Ah got a lore blog ta be writin’.

Garrosh Hellscream - It’s not ME, okay? The son of Grom Hellscream isn’t the problem here! The problem is they need to get rid of me anyway, and they need to get rid of Theramore. Nobody likes it except for the people who do. They haven’t got a good handle on how to update it to fit the world anymore, so they’re just going to destroy it. This story isn’t even about me. It’s about HER!

Jaina Proudmoore - Sshh! I’m trying to think!

Bouncy Tokennelf - So, let me get this straight. You’re saying this is all a bunch of covering up for the fact that they don’t really have a story to tell anymore and have no clue what they’re doing?

Kekburgerz - They have a story. I think he’s saying they just aren’t delivering it to the audience very well because they’re not balancing gameplay and storytelling so well.

Garrosh Hellscream - I’m not saying either of those things. I’m saying everybody keeps asking me why I did this, that, and every-other-thing, and nobody seems to consider that I didn’t get a say in it! When a puppet does the wrong dance, it’s not because the puppet decided to. It’s because the puppeteer yanked the strings the wrong way.

Grob - Dude! Did you just… call yourself a puppet?

Garrosh Hellscream - I’ll have you executed if you tell anybody. Apparently, I’m doing that kind of thing these days.

Jaina Proudmoore - Okay! I think we’ve had enough of this! Here’s a tabard for you. And one for you. Aaannnnd… one for you! Grob, Manasucker, and Kekburgerz, please pick up your complimentary mana bombs on the way out. Thank you all for coming, and we’ll see you again later!

Bouncy Tokennelf - Hey, Manasucker! I’ll trade you my tabard for your manabomb.

Manasucker Tokenbelf - Ha ha! Hardly. Add me on RealID and ask me again after I do this on my troll.

Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps - Twas a waste o’ me bloody time! ‘Cept fer gettin’ th’ tabard. Ah s’pose Ah’m beck ta stringin’ t’gether wild theories fer me blog.

Kekburgerz - I should start a blog. I don’t really RP, but I could write it in-character like I run a burger stand in Thunder Bluff. Except nobody wants to buy the burgers because… well, obvious reasons. That’s kind of my backstory for Kekburgerz. I actually have a long story for him that I wrote once. It ties into why I put together this outfit for transmog.

Hunterboulder McDeepdeeps - … But, o’course, ye don’ really RP…

Bob - i still don’t get it.

Grob - Nobody does, Bob. You and me are just the only two smart enough to admit it. Let’s go slaughter each other in battlegrounds.

Bob - FOR THE ALLIANCE!

Grob - FOR THE HORDE!

At the bi-millennial Titan staff meeting…

Aman’Thul: So…uh… yeah. Did everybody get the memo about putting cover sheets on the reports? Oh, Khaz’goroth! How’s the plan for an Earthwarder going?

Khaz’goroth: Nae problem! Got me a dragon fer th’ job. Jus’ need tae git ‘im all set up fer rulin’ o’er th’ deep places an’ such.

Norgannon: Dude… no. That’s where we put the chaos-tentacle-things.

Aman’Thul: I think we all know everybody’s just going to call them something stupid like “old gods”, so we might as well get used to it.

Norgannon: Okay… “old gods”. The point is that we put them deep in the earth, so we can’t just tell one of these Aspects, “Oh, you get to rule the deep places. Try not to let your neighbors drive you crazy.” Because, I mean… that’s a very real risk here, dude.

Khaz’goroth: Lad, when’s las’ time ol’ Khaz’goroth let ye down? Huh? Never! Tha’s when! It’ll all be workin’ jus’ fine.

Read More

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - Hey, sucker! I got a noob here… um… a … PROMISING YOUNG DRUID here for you to work with!

Sucker McAltleveler - Uh… no thanks. I work really well on my own.

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - Did I mention how hard we’ve worked to heal this land? Srsly. You’ve only even got new quests to do out here because we’ve poured blood, sweat, and Cenarius’s tears into making a single blade of grass grow. NOW TAKE THE QUESTING BUDDY!

Zen’Kiki - I be de tank for ya, mon! Maybe de deeps! I healz ya, mon!

Sucker McAltleveler - Fine. Let’s go kill some spiders.

- two minutes later -

Zen’Kiki - WTF? Y I’M ON MY BACK, MON?

- 30 seconds later-

Zen’Kiki - WTF? Y NO MOBS IN FRONT OF MY MANGLE, MON?

- 10 seconds later -

Zen’Kiki - WTF? HOW I MANAGE TO MOONFIRE MY OWN ASS, MON?

===========================================

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - Maybe Zen’Kiki isn’t a complete waste of… um… I mean HIS “TALENTS” ARE STILL USEFUL. Take him out and let him…uh…

Sucker McAltleveler - No.

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - No, really, you need to get him away from us before he moonfires that draenei again!

Sucker McAltleveler - Nuh-uh.

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - Let him draw fire to himself by attacking zombie birds.

Sucker McAltleveler - … Okay.

- 20 seconds later -

Zen’Kiki - HOW I’M GONNA CAST SPELLS AT BIRDS WHEN I BE OOM FROM MOONFIRIN MY OWN ASS AGAIN, MON?

=============================================

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - I think Zen’Ki—

Sucker McAltleveler - No!

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - No, really, I think he can heal th—

Sucker McAltleveler- Nope.

Cowhorns McQuestgiver - You wanna go let those corrupted bears out of those cages all on your own? Take a chance on one eating you?

Sucker McAltleveler - Hey, Zen’Kiki! Come on! Bears need saving, dude!

===============================================

Zen’Kiki - Hey, mon! We saved de bears! I can’t find any spirit gear, though, so I’m just gonna be a nekkid dancin’ tree. Later, mon!

"Fear not, blue dragons! Kirian is here to help you! Kirian loves dragons, and Kirian is FULL of MAGIC!" ~*~.::.sparkle.::.~*~

“Cool, bro! Uh… who’s Kirian?”

“-I- am Kirian.” >:|

“AWE-SOME! Okay, we need a new leader and we’ve got a bunch of dragon drama. Cool that you’re an elf… you know all about drama.”

>:|

“Go see Anachronos. And none of that ‘taking him on a trip to Orgrimmar’ funny business!”

>:|

- months later -

“Ya done good, belf! Everything’s worked out. We have a new leader. Really sad about Taracgosa, though. Hey! but you can keep her with you forever. We put her in this stick!”

“You know I’ll just get an upgrade when MoP comes out, right?”

“But will your upgrade have a dragon living in it?”

“No. And I do love dragons…”

“Of course, she’s not really living in it. It’s the resting place of her soul. She gave her life, you know.”

“Yes, I was…”

“We should call that stick DRAGONWRATH! TARACGOSA’S REST!”

“Sounds fine. I’m glad I could…”

“We’re all really going to miss Taracgosa, so be careful with that stick, aye?”

“Of course. I would…”

“Who are you again?”

“Kirian.” >:|

Deathwing - RAWR! I AM AN ASPECT!

Tank - wtf? y this raid is full of noobs?

Deathwing - YOU ARE ALL A BUNCH OF NOOBS!

Healer - lol whatevs. i can heal with my eyes closed so i’mma be chattin wit mah guildies <3

Deathwing - YOU CANNOT IMAGINE MY IMMENSE POWER! IT IS ENORMOUS! LIKE MY CHIN!

The DPS Collective - WHY ARE WE DYING? WHERE IS THE HEALER? WHERE IS THE TANK? WHY IS A TENTACLE IN MY FACE?

Healer - lol hold up. lol brb lol. officer meeting in my guild chat. lol

Deathwing - OLD GODS OLD GODS OLD GODS F U KHAZ’GOROTH REALLY REAALY ANCIENT POWERFUL OLD GODS ROCKS AND LAVA AND TENTACLES MY EYEBALLS!!!!!

Tank - wtf? y no heals? y no dps? do u think i tank out of the kindness of my heart? no i want gear noobs!

The DPS Collective - Mmmm… gear… must… have… drops….

Deathwing - I AM A LITTLE TEAPOT SHORT AND ENHANCED BY POWERS BEYOND YOUR KEN! NOOBS! YOU CAN— GRACK!

Healer - lol he died lol. lol let’s lol get lol our lol loot lol and lol go lol

sumdr00d - mite as well giv up horde gonna win

SUMPALLY - U WANT TO GIV UP FINE THEN BUT I AM SICK AND TIRED OF CARRYING THIS HOLE BG THIS WHY ALLY ALAWAYS SUCK ALLY NEVER WIN CAN’T PVP FOR SHIT

HunterMcShootypants -inc lm

sumwarlock - “Hole”. lol How’s your mom doing, anyway?

SUMPALLY - MY MOM COULD PROBABLY DO THIS ENTIRE BG ALLY AND HORDE BOTH THIS IS SO EASY WTF

sumwarlock - Oh, I’m very sure your mom COULD “do this entire bg”.

BigDK - horde and ally both. lol

SneakyMcRoguebritches - wtf? need help at lm, dudes!

sumwarlock - lol

HunterMcShootypants - HALP! LOOSING LM!

SUMPALLY - WHATEVER IDK WHY I EVEN TRY DON’T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY MOM WOW IS A STUPID GAME ANYWAY I’M QUITTING NEXT MONTH

BigDK - y we loosing lm? am i the only one even trying here?

sumwarlock - lol. You’re not at lm. You’re at stables.

SUMPALLY - U DON’T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PVP I KNOW HOW TO PVP I WAS ON AN ARENA TEAM

sumdr00d - horde won. not surprise. ally suck.